How to start conversations on Tinder

27 min readJun 23, 2020

Have you ever wondered why you’re getting a lot of matches on Tinder but the interaction rarely moves past the initial right swipe? Today we are going to talk about what it takes to be successful on Tinder, and specifically how to start conversations on Tinder. We will also analyze general facts of attraction that will help you create a build a cohesive body of knowledge on dating and more importantly how to turn yourself into what she needs, and not what you think she wants.

While the question of what women want is an unanswerable question because (and here’s a novel concept) they’re all different, cracking the online dating scene, now that’s a manageable request. In fact, scientists are right there with you and this article will drop some knowledge on what science says (and what women say) will make you stand out and get noticed.

Whether you find yourself batting zero as far as dates go or if you can’t seem to flip the switch from date to relationship, we can help you diagnose what’s going on and what you can do about it. This isn’t about how to get laid, it’s about how to get better at dating. Obviously, dating runs the gamut on what milestones you’ll hit (no pun intended), but the tools in this article are meant for guys who want to date but are struggling.

What we’ll analyze

We’re going to talk about everything. We’re going to get into how to:

Set up your profile to attract quality matches
Choose the right dating app for you
Choose your dates
Send messages
Have a great date
Handle not-so-great dates
Be your best self — this goes for both dating and the rest of your life!

Success is just as much a part of the process as failure. You’ll learn to roll with the punches.

More than the details of how to date, we’re also going to talk about you. After all, you are the common denominator in all of this. How can you start working on being your best self? You’re the one dating, and you’re also the one “being dated.” You make up half the date. So it’s paramount you spend a good deal of time focusing on you, making sure you feel confident in who you are.

You deserve love. You need to show others you do too.

How to find love

Another million dollar question. It seems like our grandparents all have a story of meeting their husband or wife and instantly knowing they were destined to be together. They married two weeks later and have been together for 70 years. Right? Things are a little different now.

Which is a good thing. For one thing, we live longer. There’s no threat of imminent war. People aren’t dying of the clap or tuberculosis or falling off a turnip truck or inhaling asbestos the way they used to in our grandparents’ time either.

Relationships have also come a long way because people are different. Plenty of our grandparents’ and parents’ relationships were also not the greatest, you have to admit. Some may have hit a home run, but even those relationships, I guarantee, had rough times and weren’t so romantic.

Point is, we’re all looking for that home run, that relationship written in the stars. But how do we get it? It’s a combination of luck, persistence, and some leaps of faith. After all, our grandparents who got married after only knowing each other for two weeks sure took a leap of faith.

That’s something that’s still the same today. So, where do you find a woman you want to take a leap of faith with?

The world is your dating oyster

When you’re looking for a relationship, it’s time to start looking at women as possible romantic partners. This doesn’t mean you need to try to date every single woman you meet. It means you need to start grooming yourself and your mindset to start looking out for potential dating opportunities.

Be ready

In case you haven’t noticed, women are everywhere. They’re at the grocery store, your gym, your favorite coffee shop, walking their dog around your neighborhood. Your perfect match could be the next girl you talk to.

It’s about being ready to meet someone.

So often we think we want something, but the truth is, we’re actually not ready for it. What would you do if she showed up at your doorstep this second?

Let’s get you ready!

How to meet her

Odds are good she’s not going to show up at your doorstep this second, so you’re going to have to get yourself “out there.” Which can mean a number of things:

Online dating
Joining some co-ed social groups
Join a co-ed sporting league
Volunteer

Anything that gets you either:

Out of the house, or
Seen by potential dates.

That’s your goal. Since online dating has the potential to do both, it’s highly recommended, and will be one of the major skills we’re going to focus on.

Treat dating like money

Finding a relationship is an investment in yourself and your future. Just like money compounds interest as it sits in a savings account or in stocks, your online profile works the same way. It has the potential to attract dates 24-hours-a-day.

Just like an investment portfolio however, you want to diversify. So, having other ways to meet people in real life is always a good thing, especially if it’s through a shared interest. Think of a club or group you could join where women are likely to be. Maybe take a class.

Even if it doesn’t lead to a date, improving your social skills, building new relationships, and widening your social circle will do wonders to boost your self-esteem, confidence, and overall well-being. Which, frankly, is going to be attractive to any date.

Are you ready to invest?

First, you need to decide how ready you are for a relationship. That’s your first step. Now let’s talk about what goes into “being ready.”

Time
Consistency
Ability to rebound

Number 1: Time

Dating takes time. Like building anything, there’s a lot of work that goes into it before you actually start to see any results. For instance:

Setting up your profile
Finding matches
Messaging matches
Setting up dates
Going on dates
Giving some space between all these things

Just getting to a date takes a lot of time. Even though you can be at home in your pajamas searching, it still takes time to find people that match with you, sending messages, starting a conversation, before dating even happens.

And because you don’t want to come off as too intense or over eager, you also need to give a little space to your matches to let them respond.

Obviously you don’t want to get caught in the loop of online messaging that never results in a date, but you also want to maximize your time. You could go on a date with every single person you message and still not have it develop into something real. And that’s if you have the energy to do that. Even if you do, it’s probably not the most effective use of your time. Not to say you wouldn’t learn a lot by doing this, it’s just impractical and more likely to burn you out and leave you frustrated.

Something else we’ll get into is how to pick and choose, who to message, and how to move things from online to IRL (in real life).

What kind of dater are you?

Let’s talk about you. You know yourself well enough to put yourself into one of these categories. Based on your current success rate, on average, what category would you put yourself in?

I’ve been on pretty much no dates this year
I’ve been on a few dates this year
I date a lot but they don’t lead anywhere

Regardless of what category you’re in, everything in this article is for you. Using the tools and skills, I’m confident we can bump up your average to as many dates you’re willing to go on, and get you ready for a relationship.

How quickly this happens depends a lot on you, and then another person. You may have heard this before, but it’s true, finding a relationships is a lot like landing a job. The majority of the work is on you, your skills, how your present yourself, and then what the other person is looking for too.

Depending how you look at it, that’s kind of nice. There’s a lot that’s up to you, but then there are things that are just out of your control. How you respond is what will make you successful in any facet of your life. That girl you thought was your soulmate doesn’t feel the same way, okay, there’s someone better.

That’s what’s going to set you up for success. Resilience and confidence.

What if I’ve never been in a relationship before or I’m recently divorced?

Here’s the thing, regardless of your relationship history (or lack of), you’re single now. While having some relationship experience in the past can be helpful, just having the experience of social interaction and intimacy, unfortunately, you’re not in a relationship now. I’m guessing you’re striking out as far as dating goes, otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this.

So, whether you’ve been in a relationship before or not, you can benefit from the skills in this article. As you read through, maybe you’ll identify where things went wrong and how you can improve yourself so you can be in a happier, healthier relationship.

Likewise, if you’re someone who doesn’t have much of a relationship history to speak of, it doesn’t have to mean you are starting at a disadvantage. In fact, you might be at an advantage because you have less baggage and triggers to work through.

Point is, you’ve all come to the same place with the same goal in mind. We all need to some help sometimes, and the tips in this article can improve your dating skills for the better regardless of your history if you put them to use.

Online dating

Most people meet their partners online these days. Gone are the romantic days of yore of our grandparents, unfortunately, where now the first meeting that happens is through our iPhone or Android where we hope the photo we put up is enough to attract a swipe.

Sometimes, by the time your would-be-love-of-your-life messages you back our grandparents would be walking down the aisle. Let’s face it, dating has always been an emotional full contact sport.

“…39 percent of heterosexual couples reported meeting their partner online [in a 2017 study], compared to 22 percent in 2009.” Stanford News

The good news?

Most men are terrible at online dating!

How is that good news?

Because it means that if you put in the time and effort to make a great profile, you will most certainly get noticed. A man’s dating profile with nicely taken photos, a well thought out bio, is practically unheard of amongst the sea of awful, half-baked dude-files out there that women have to sift through.

If you apply the skills to your online dating profile that we talk about in this article, you’ll be like a shining beacon of hope to any woman losing faith in online dating. Your chances of making a connection will drastically improve. Even better, the quality of connections will improve.

Should you pay for online dating?

According to our research, the difference between paid and free online dating apps is you. Truth is, like gym memberships, it’s easy to pay, tough to make yourself show up. Plenty of people have a gym card in their wallet. Doesn’t mean they’re putting it to use.

It’s the same in the dating world. What counts is your commitment. It’s always easy to pay for something. The real work is in the showing up.

“It’s a myth that some sites are better for relationships while others are more for hookups. There are people of different intentions on every platform; it’s more important what your intention is.” — Jodi Manfredi, professional online dating profile writer. Consumer Reports

What dating app should you choose?

It depends on your personality. Picking the right dating app is sort of like choosing a relationship in itself. Some apps will resonate better with you and your personality than others.

Ultimately, you’ll need to experiment, if you haven’t already. That is of course after you make a kickass dating profile. Once you do that, put your profile up. Try the free ones. Try the paid versions too if you want.

As you experiment, here’s what you want to pay attention to as far as what app or apps to stick with:

Number of responses
Quality of interactions
Quality of matches

How many responses should you get?

Overall, guys send more messages. That’s just the way it is. But, are you at least getting a response 1 out of 5 times? Check your outgoing mail against incoming mail, regardless of the disappointment that “the girl I really wanted” didn’t write back. We’ll get to that.

First, we need to check your expectations. A 20% return on your investment is actually considered pretty standard.

Studies show that 23% of messages sent get a response. That actually goes for both men AND women. — New York Post

Before you throw in the towel, tally the number of responses sent against number of replies. Dating is, if anything, a numbers game.

What’s considered “quality”?

Quality interactions

For the women who did respond, did they at least result in a decent conversation? Maybe it didn’t develop into a date, but were there at least a few messages with some substance? Hopefully something more than a few canned responses or phrases you’d say to any stranger.

Is she trying to get to know you? Is she responding with some information about herself? Again, regardless if the conversations led to dates or not, can you see the potential?

Quality of matches

Every app has its own algorithm based on the programming and the info you put in. Some are going to work better for you than others, again, because even algorithms don’t get it right. We are trying to turn love and all of its complexities into a math equation.

But in general, are the women you’re matching with at least close to the kind of woman you’re looking for? Are they close to the type of woman you said you wanted? Again, remember you’re asking a computer to become a matchmaker, so your input has to be accurate.

Other factors go into both your response rate and matches. We’ll get to those. Things like your profile, your photos, and the actual messages you send.

How to set up your dating profile

Yes, the dreaded online profile. It’s intimidating to say the least. What do you write? What do you say? How do you wrap up everything you are and are looking for in a short little bio? How do you get your dream girl to swipe right? Who is your dream girl? And who are you?

These are the questions most of us think about when we are confronted with that blinking cursor inside a blank bio box. Many men will crucify themselves here and sentence themselves to many dateless nights. I’ll give you a tip right now. The answer is NOT to write something lame like, Just ask me, or, I’m an open book. On the flip side, it’s also not ideal to dump your whole life story.

But first things first. Let’s get the easy things out of the way.

Photos

They make or break you before she even thinks about reading your profile.

Plenty of guys fall into the trap of thinking dating apps are just to get laid. While plenty of people, men and women, are looking for just that, there are plenty of people looking for relationships. Your job is to separate yourself from them.

In other words, if you want a relationship and an equally amazing girl who also wants a relationship, your photo has to say this.

Think of it along the lines of your LinkedIn photos, only a little more fun. It needs to be professional while showing some personality, but there are definitely photos you wouldn’t show to a potential employer, right?

Your dating profile should be the same. Most professional head shots come pretty close to what you’d want for your online photo. You don’t need to wear a suit, but in general, resume head shots come pretty close to what you want to post. They’re clean, high resolution, and most importantly, make you look good, like someone a woman would want to approach.

Lastly, you want to make yourself stand out, head and shoulders, above the rest of the lame profiles your poor dream girl is slogging through. Trust me, she is slogging. Women have to wade through so many awful profiles that when she lands on one with a photo like the one I’ll describe below, she WILL stop.

It’s almost impossible for her not to stop and read your bio because so many men are doing it all wrong.

Your profile photo

This is the very first, and sometimes only, impression she’ll get of you on the app. This is the most important thing you can work on, next to your bio. So what makes a quality profile photo?

It’s current

Maybe you looked better when you were 18. Ya know what? That’s too bad. If you’re starting things off with a lie, hoping your personality will win her over and she won’t notice you don’t look like your photo, odds are high she’s going to walk. Most women might not even stay for the whole date. Or worse, she might not even be able to find you in real life because you look so different.

Do everyone a favor, including yourself, and post what you look like now.

Own it. Be confident.

You look approachable

Your top photo, your profile image, should have these characteristics. Here’s how to make your photo (and you) approachable so she’ll keep reading:

Smile! Not in a sexy way, not in a goofy way. Genuinely smile. (Unsure what that means? I have two words for you: Duchenne smile.)

A Duchenne smile is the one that reaches your eyes, making the corners wrinkle up with crow’s feet. It’s the smile most of us recognize as the most authentic expression of happiness. Healthline.com

Look at the camera. You don’t need to look out to sea, or off in the distance like you’re lost in thought. Looking at the camera shows confidence.
Keep your shirt on. No matter what kind of body you have, keep your shirt on. Women have eyes. They can see. For those of you have great bodies and know it, your job is to keep your shirt on and not come off like a male escort or self-absorbed gym rat.
Make sure the photo is only of you. No group photos. No blurred-out face attached to a body next to you. You’re the one looking for her, not you and your buddies, or you and blurred-out face, or worse, you and your ex (is that who’s face you blurred out as you’re looking for someone new?).

It’s high resolution

You’ve probably seen profiles where it looks like the photo was taken on a 1980s Atari or dug out of a polaroid box. You’re not sure where the edges of the person’s face are? Your phone, if it’s from this century, probably has the capability of producing a decent, high resolution photo. Use it.

What’s high resolution? You don’t look like you’re built out of pixels or living inside a Tetris game!

When you post a pixelated photo, the message it sends is, Hey, I have no confidence in myself and you should probably swipe left.

It’s enhanced or touched-up

In fact, in a study done by the Smithsonian, they found that women in particular rated men both more attractive and trustworthy when they were shown images of a man where the photo had been enhanced in some way (i.e. a nice filter on Instagram) versus just a regular photo (non-enhanced) of the same guy.

Give yourself a leg up, and do a little doctoring to your photo. Run it through something nice on Instagram, or touch it up on your phone.

That doesn’t mean you gave yourself a different eye color or chopped off 50 pounds (remember our discussion about keeping it current and not lying). But, something as simple as increasing the brightness a little can do wonders.

“…Women shown enhanced pictures of men said they seemed both more attractive and more trustworthy than their unenhanced counterparts.” Smithsonian Magazine

Think about what’s in the frame

Are you in the bathroom or car? These aren’t deal breakers but let’s face it, a lot of guys post photos of themselves in the bathroom or the car. You want to stand out.

Remember, your profile photo is her first impression of you. That includes everything in that photo: your face, that dirty pan in the sink behind you, or the toilet behind you. Our brains process visual information quickly and we make snap judgments without even knowing it.

“The human brain processes images 60,000 times faster than text, and 90 percent of information transmitted to the brain is visual.” Thermopylae Sciences + Technology

What sort of information will her brain process when she sees you standing in front of a toilet?

Either use a neutral background (like a wall with a single light or bright color), or something interesting like nature behind you. Again, think about the type of shot you’d put on your resume, at least, as far as the background goes. You don’t need to be as “professional” (i.e. stiff) as you would in a resume head shot, but pretty close.

Non-profile photos

If she scrolls past your first photo, now she wants to know more about you. Your next set of photos should show who you are. By that, show the kind of person you are in real life! Not who you want her to think you are or the guy you want to be.

“Instead of having five photos just showing a different angle of your face, choose photos that tell a story about you.” Just My Type

Put your best foot forward, but don’t lie.

What are your hobbies? Show yourself doing one of them.
Do you travel? If you’ve traveled recently, show a good one of yourself on the trip.
Have a pet? Show yourself with it (just as long as YOU look good in the photo).
Have kids? If you’re comfortable with it, post a cute photo of you and your kids.

Group photos

Never have a group photo as your profile photo. It’s okay to use one in your other non-profile photos as long as you’re at the center. Here’s why:

“[There is a] biased (favorable) assessment of people in the center” — Science Direct

What scientists discovered is that people at the center of a group are automatically perceived to, in layman’s terms, be a baller. Whereas those on the sidelines, or not-at-the-center, are considered weaker or less important.

Just as we discussed earlier, our brains process visual cues faster than we realize, and this is one of those things to be conscious of. Again, give yourself a leg up, and only post a group photo if you are at the center, and of course, it’s a great photo of you (and everyone actually). Don’t let that goofy friend who ruined the picture also ruin your dating life.

If everyone in the photo doesn’t look great, it can reflect poorly on you. Visuals are so important!

NO. MORE. FISH. PHOTOS.

This one gets its own heading. I’m not sure why men think they need to post these, but unless you are actually a commercial fisherman, or fishing is like a second job that you do practically every weekend, please stop posting these.

At this point, the fish photos are as common as dick pics and just as likely to illicit the same response: Swipe left and block!

Some photo don’ts

DON’T post buddy photos. If she finds your buddy more attractive, now you’ve just screwed yourself.
DON’T post a blurred-out face of you and your ex (or anyone’s blurred-out face). Either cut them out completely, or find a different photo.
DON’T post a photo of you and another woman (doesn’t matter who she is), unless she’s your 80-year-old grandma or your 5-year-old daughter. No women of “date-able” age. It says you’re a player.
DON’T post photos of dead animals?! Yes, this is something I’ve seen. The fish photos are bad enough, but when you move up the food chain to bigger dead things in your hands, you’re going to kill any thoughts of romance with you. Many men might be hunters, and that’s okay, but keep some mystery. She doesn’t know what your hairy butt looks like either. She doesn’t want to see you with a dead animal, unless you’re hoping to attract a female hunter or taxidermist. In which case, hats off to you.

Do you really have to write a dating bio?

How much time and effort did you take writing your bio? Be honest.

If you’re like a lot of guys you might even blow it off all together for the sure-to-swipe-left profile that says something lame like, Just ask me! You know who’s going to “just ask you”? Nobody. Know why? Because the women who are serious about finding a relationship don’t have time for that crap. So if you’re serious about finding some great dates, you need to write a sweet profile.

If you still think writing a bio is pointless, my guess is that’s because most men actually don’t read women’s profiles and therefore think women are doing the same.

“Men spend 50 percent less time reading online dating profiles than women” — Mental Floss

Hint: Women DO read your bio.

In fact, she’s twice as likely to read your bio than you are to read hers.

How to write a winning bio

Most men dread writing bios, and it shows. Truth is, it’s no fun for ladies either, but you notice they still put in the effort. Writing a bio is not the most fun way to pass your time, but just like writing a resume, it’s a necessary means to an end.

For all you know, it’s what’s standing between you and your future wife. I think you can take a few minutes out of your day to craft a little something, don’t you?

The 70/30 Rule

According to a study published in Science Advances, researchers noted that profiles written 70% about you, and 30% about the kind of person you’re looking for, received more attention and messages than profiles with different ratios.

Now that you’ve got a formula, what do you write for that 70%?

70% of your bio is about you

Highlight your strong suits

What are you good at? What are you awesome at?! Can you cook bomb-ass nachos on the fly? Set up a Bluetooth sound system like nobody’s business? Maybe you’re a serious home DIYer, or chess player, or all-around rad dad (maybe to kids, maybe to a dog, or a parakeet). What makes you you?

If you’re sitting there thinking there’s nothing interesting or unique about you, then that’s your first problem. Everybody has something amazing to bring to the table.

Still not sure? Ask your friends. Or, think about what they’d say.

Drop some anecdotes

Your goal is to stand out against a sea of generic profiles. Writing a few adjectives about yourself is all well and good, but throw in some anecdotes. Think up some stories from your life that reveal a lot about you. Is there a story your friends always remember about you? Or your family? Choose a few that are cute and fun.

Remember, you always want to paint yourself in the best light. Show some personality, but be sure the stories you choose still paint you well. Go back to the job scenario. Would you tell the story to a potential interviewer? If it’s okay for that, then it’s okay for potential dates too.

And if you’re still unsure how to choose, here’s some food for thought:

Whereas men respond positively to kind, approachable, and attractive women who value fitness, women prefer evidence of bravery, courage, and risk-taking over kindness and altruism in potential mates. — Psychology Today

Bravery, courage, and risk-taking. Have any stories that showcase these qualities in you?

30% is about her

Who exactly are you looking for? What exactly are you looking for? This is how you advertise.

Your bio is somewhat transactional. Most of it is about you, what you have to offer. This smaller portion is about what you’re looking for in return.

Advertise what you want

Meaning, you need to put out to the world what it is you want. Do you want a relationship? Say so. Do you want love? Say so.

“Those who have found love, unsurprisingly, use the word “love” the most in their profiles” — Time

According to a study done by Plenty of Fish (POF.com), men are more likely to find love when they suggest an interest in a long-term relationship, and use words such as:

Heart
Children
Romantic
Relationship

Advertise the type of woman you want

This, un-ironically, means you know the type of woman you want. Do you know the type of woman you’re looking for?

Most of us don’t really know who we want. They have to be attractive, and maybe some other generic things, but more often than not, we don’t really know. You’re probably itching to get your profile posted and start dating, but this is actually crucial.

When you’re shopping for a house, how do you choose? There are zillions of homes. You have to know what you want to sift through the zillions to the possibilities. Things like neighborhood, price, yard, school district, number of rooms. You get the idea.

Figuring out what you want in a potential mate is just as critical, otherwise, you’re likely to experience online dating burnout in the near future if you have no filters on.

How do you know what you want?

When you think of a relationship, what are the key traits that are dealbreakers? Sometimes those are the easiest. Things like:

No smokers
No drug users
Must want or be okay with kids
Must love dogs

Then, what are some traits that would be nice to have, but not necessarily dealbreakers?

Write out 5 for each.

For instance, 5 dealbreakers are, she has to:

Be kind
Want kids
Have a great sense of humor
Be athletic because you want someone to do outdoorsy things with
Have your same religion

Some nice to haves are, she:

Is blond
Loves dogs
Loves to cook
Has a career
Loves old movies as much as you do

How much should looks affect my dating prospects?

When it comes to making your list I wouldn’t give one-fifth of the real estate to hotness when attraction should be a given. Again, that’s not to say don’t factor it in. Yes, you need to find her attractive, just like she needs to find you attractive.

It goes back to having a better filter on who you go after. Your filter should be on for more than just looks or filtering everyone who isn’t “hot girl.” After all, if hot girl doesn’t find you attractive, then it’s a no-go anyway and you’re back to just watching Netflix and chilling by yourself. Meanwhile, you could’ve been on a date with a super cute girl who has a ton of things in common with you.

Back to the list.

Maybe you have a thing for redheads and it would be rad if your girl could be a redhead. Put it on the nice-to-have list. No shame in hoping for that. But really, if she’s totally beautiful, has a great sense of humor, good job, laughs at your dumb jokes and thinks you’re awesome, but she’s blond, you’re going to say No thanks? No way!

What if I want to date the hot girl?

Notice things like “hot” aren’t on the “dealbreaker” list. That’s because, obviously, there has to be attraction for this to really go anywhere. But there’s a difference between YOU finding your lady to be the hottest girl on the planet and needing EVERYONE ELSE to think she’s the hottest girl on the planet.

If you need that extra validation from having a woman everyone else thinks is gorgeous on your arm to elevate your status out in the world, then:

You’re not looking for a relationship
If you get into a relationship with someone purely because of looks, it’s unlikely to be healthy for either of you
You should ask yourself what you’re trying to make up for by being with this woman

Remember, hot girls have their issues like anyone else. They have varying levels of intelligence, senses of humor, bathroom habits and explosions just like you and every other woman out there. Once you get past the “hotness” factor, you’re still in a relationship with another person.

So, how well do you match once the excitement over dating “the hot girl” fades?

I’m a hot guy. Why shouldn’t I date a hot girl?

How’s that working out for you so far? If you’re reading this article, I’m guessing it’s not going so well. Again, it’s not that you shouldn’t date someone YOU find attractive. It’s about using a more fine-tuned filter than just, How hot is she?

Increase your filter on personality and other quality traits over the hotness filter.

If your goal is to find a woman to be in a relationship with, that you’ll be happy to see every day, go on adventures with, and potentially have a future with, then work on fine-tuning that filter beyond just looks.

Take it from the hot guy who only dated 20-something-models throughout his 30s and was single for over a decade because of it. That is, until he followed this advice, started looking for a girl who was more than just a hot girl. He’s now happily engaged. According to him:

Beautiful women who get a fair amount of attention get full of themselves…Eventually, I was dreading getting dinner with them because they couldn’t carry a conversation.- Dan Rochkind, 40, “hot guy” financier

On the flip side, if you ask the hot girl, who’s also trying to date the hot guy, how things are going for her, odds are good she’s having the exact same issues. According to her:

“As a person who’s always been complimented on [my] ‘stunning beauty’ … I’d been searching for a ‘hot’ guy to match…But after a date or two, they’ll have problems hanging out with you and then will ghost.” — Megan Young, 23, “hot girl” in public relations

Megan stopped chasing “the hot guy” and started looking for guys who were cute but had some substance. She’s now in a wonderful relationship.

If I’m NOT a hot guy, do I have to settle?

Actually, if you’re not “the hot guy,” you have a great chance of dating “the hot girl.” Provided she’s looking for a real relationship.

The catch is, however, this can’t be your main goal. At least, if you’re looking for happiness in a relationship. If you need to prove something to yourself that you can “get” a hot girl, then by all means, give it a go. There are plenty of books out there that will teach you how to get the hot girl.

When it comes to relationship happiness however, highly attractive people don’t have more relationship success, or even happier relationships. In fact, studies have shown they might actually be worse off.

“Those rated as more attractive…were married for shorter durations and more likely to divorce” — Study conducted by Harvard University

So, get honest about what your goals are. If it’s just to date the hot girl, then have at it.

What if I’m not a very attractive guy?

Number 1: Everyone’s attractive to someone.
Number 2: Confidence is like walking around with an awesome Instagram filter on you at all times. It makes you more attractive, no matter what.
Number 3: You have NO idea what she sees when she looks at you. You’re projecting your own insecurities.

There’s this thing called bias.

Writing the 30% will take 50% of your time

As you can see, a lot goes into writing that 30%. It’s just the tip of the iceberg, but if you do it right, you’ll weed out the ladies you’re not going to match with and save everyone a ton of time.

Also, if you get really honest about what you’re looking for, it will maximize your chances of success. Once you’re clear on your goals, things move much faster. It’s easier to ignore what doesn’t fit those goals, and what does.

So get clear on what you want.

What if I’m not sure what I want?

Experiment! Get as clear as you can get on the type of woman you think you’re after.

We all know those stories where so-and-so only dated girl-next-door types, until he met her, and she was nothing like the women he’d ever dated. That could very well happen for you too, but since you need to cast a net of some kind to get going, get as specific as you can about the type of girl you think would match best with you.

Go after her. Go on dates with this type of girl.

You can always revise!

If you go on enough dates with the same type only to find out she’s not the best fit for you, you can always edit your 30%. The point is to:

Get going.
Make your goals clear.
Go after what you want.
See how it fits (or doesn’t).
Change your goals if you need to.
Repeat.

How to write

Write as if you’re having a conversation

Say your dream girl is on the phone with you (I know — who uses phones to talk anymore?). But say texting and messaging have stopped and the only way to meet people is to talk to them on the phone. She wants to know something about you. What would you say?

If it works for your personality, ask “her” something fun. Did you just spill a fun anecdote about almost getting eaten by a lion, end it with something cute like, So how was your last trip?

Write like you speak (mostly)

You want to write your bio as if you’re having a conversation. Just be mindful of using a lot of slang or cursing. Again, think about keeping it professional. You want to showcase your personality without being offensive or difficult to understand.

Spelling and grammar check

Going back to the resume similarity, this does make a difference. Maybe your job is construction and the last thing you pick up is a pencil, but do your best on your profile. You don’t need to come off like a little professor if spelling and grammar aren’t your strong suits, but at least run it through spell check.

Or better yet, ask a friend to give it a read. If you do, be sure to choose someone who supports your goal of finding a partner. After all, writing this isn’t the easiest thing to do.

SCIENCE BEHIND PROFILES

The YOU behind your profile

At some point, you’re going to have to meet someone in real life. Everything about you comes through in one way or another, including how you think about yourself.

Remember the discussion about photos and why it isn’t ideal to take a photo in the bathroom where the toilet is? The reason is because the snap judgment someone is probably going to make about you, whether you meant for this to happen or not, is that you are a “toilet” person. Or, in more sophisticated terms, someone who doesn’t have high value.

Do you sit someone truly important by the toilet? Unlikely.

Arrogance vs self-confidence vs self-absorbed

The idea is not to turn you into some over-masculine, souped-up Rock-type dude with slicked-back hair and squeaky new shoes who’s ready to fight anyone who looks at him sideways. Having self-confidence doesn’t mean you become a totally new, testosterone-infused guy.

So what does it mean? It means you:

Know what you want.
Believe you deserve good things in your life, including an awesome relationship.
Value yourself.
Take care of yourself.

People will show you who they are

“While the algorithm may reduce the number of potential partners from thousands to a few…the odds are no better than finding a relationship by strolling into any bar.” Huffington Post

Dating in real life

Sight: How to make a good first impression.

Do’s and don’ts on what to wear. Referencing Christopher’s ideas around not wearing camouflage if you have not done time in the military.

Hearing: How to listen.

What do you listen to. I.E. Music, podcasts, etc.

Smell: Chapter about good hygiene, the importance of showers, and not bombing airways with too much Old Spice body spray.

Taste: A chapter about good nutrition and healthy habits to become your best self.

Touch: How to maintain good proximity. Flirt without being overbearing.

EXTRA RESOURCES:

https://www.refinery29.com/en-gb/2018/09/211050/online-dating-attractiveness

https://www.verywellmind.com/cognitive-biases-distort-thinking-2794763

https://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-36105365